Episode 1: Why Are We Here?


Camera pans up to reveal Grif and Simmons standing on the red base

Simmons : Hey.

Grif: Yeah?

Simmons : You ever wonder why we're here?

Grif: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it. Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of... some cosmic coincidence or, is there really a God... watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.

Simmons: ...

Grif: ...

Simmons: What? I meant why are we out here, in this canyon?

Grif: Oh, uh... yeah.

Simmons: What was all that stuff about God?

Grif: Uh... hm? Nothing.

Simmons: You wanna talk about it?

Grif: No

Simmons: You sure?

Grif: Yeah.

Simmons: Seriously though, why are we out here? Far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out.

Grif: Mhm.

Simmons: And the only reason that we set up a red base here, is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.

Grif: Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.

Simmons: No no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop de fucking do!

Grif: What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.

Church is looking through a sniper rifle at the red base, and Tucker is with him

Tucker: What're they doing?

Church: What?

Tucker: I said what're they doing now?

Church: God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!

Tucker: Hey you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day.

Church: Okay, okay look: They're just standing there, and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me "What're they doing?" my answer's gonna be "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!"

Tucker: ... What're they talking about?

Church: You know what? I fucking hate you.

Grif and Simmons at the red base

Grif: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. You know, fight them.

Simmons: Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge.

Sarge is standing on the ground, looking up at them

Sarge: Ladies! Front and center, on the double!

Simmons: Fuck, me.

Grif: Yes sir!