Episode 2: Red Gets a Delivery


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Grif and Simmons run up in front of Sarge, and stand there

Sarge: Hurry up ladies, this ain't no ice cream social!

Simmons: Ice cream social?

Sarge: Stop the pillow-talk you two. Anyone want to guess, why I gathered you here, today?

Grif: Um, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Sarge: That's exactly it, private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna
hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here, is in charge of confetti!

Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge: God dammit private, shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!

Simmons: Oh, I'd do it too.

Sarge: I know you would Simmons... good man. Couple of things today, ladies: Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number 1.

Grif: Crap, we're getting a rookie.

Sarge: That's right dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez... bring up the vehicle.
A jeep emerges from the hill behind Sarge

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif: Shotgun! Fuck!

Sarge: May I introduce, our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has four inch armor plating, maaag buffer suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12-LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.

Simmons: Why 'Warthog' sir?

Sarge: Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.

Grif: No, but... why 'Warthog'? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...

Sarge: Say that again?

Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.

Sarge: What in sam hell is a puma?

Simmons: Uh... you mean like the shoe company?

Grif: No, like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.

Sarge: You're making that up.

Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Simmons: Yes sir!

Sarge: Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?

Grif: A walrus.

Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?

Church is looking at the red team through the sniper rifle, and Tucker is with him

Tucker: What is that thing?

Church: I don't know, but it looks like uh... looks like they got some kinda car down there. We'd better
get back to base and report it.

Tucker: A car? How come they get a car?

Church: What are you complaining about man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

Tucker: You can't pick up chicks in a tank.

Church: Oh, you know what, you could bitch about anything, couldn't you. We're gonna get a tank, and
you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up man!? Firay, and secondly, how are we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

Tucker: Well what kind of car is it?

Church: I don't know, I've never seen a car that looks like that before, it looks like a uh... like a big cat of some kind.

Tucker: ... ... what, like a puma?

Church: Yeah man, there ya go.
Back to the reds

Sarge: So unless anybody else has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with 'the Warthog'. How about it Grif?

Grif: No sir, no more suggestions.

Sarge: Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?

Grif: That's okay.

Sarge: Unicorn?

Grif: No really, I'm... I'm cool.

Sarge: Sasquatch?

Simmons: Leprechaun?

Grif: Hey, he doesn't need any help man...

Sarge: Phoenix!

Grif: Huh... Christ.

Sarge: Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard, eats all the goats?

Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir!

Sarge: Hey Grif! Chupathingie, how 'bout that? I like it! Got a ring to it...