Episode 3: The Rookies


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Simmons: Hey that's not exactly what happened.
Grif: Yes it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-
Soldier in Red Armor: Excuse me uh, sirs.
Simmons: Sirs?
Grif: Ah crap.
Red Armor: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge?
Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.
Simmons: Actually private, he left me in charge while he's gone.
Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.
Simmons: Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat) "Git in the Warthog, 'nd crush yer head like a tomato-can."
Grif: That's the worst impression I've ever heard.
Simmons: Okay rookie, what's your story?
Red Armor: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.
Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?
Donut: This is the standard issue red.
Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.
Donut: Well, he's wearing red armor...
Simmons: No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.
Donut: Well how do I get a different color armor?
Simmons: I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.
Church, Tucker, and a soldier in blue armor are looking at a tank
Soldier in Blue Armor: So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship" and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"
Tucker: Hey kid.
Blue Armor: Yeah?
Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.
Blue Armor: Oh. Okay. You got it man!
Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole God damn world with this thing.
Back to the red base
Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.
Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!
Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?
Donut: Absolutely!
Simmons: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of Elbow Grease.
Grif: Yeah and um, pick up some Headlight Fluid for the Puma too.
Donut: The what?
Simmons: He means the Warthog.
Grif: You do know where the store is, right rookie?
Donut: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.
Simmons: Well, get going then.
Donut starts running across the base
Grif: Other way.
Donut turns around and goes the other way
Donut: I knew that. Just, got turned around, that's all.
Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off in to the Gulch
Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?
Grif: I say, at least a week.
Donut running through the Gulch, stops and turns to talk to himself
Donut: Elbow Grease, how stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that Headlight Fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sargeant.
Back to the blue base
Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.
Church: Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?
Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.
Back to Grif and Simmons at the red base
Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?
Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?
Donut is approaching the blue base
Donut: Finally, there it is. OH SWEET, THEY SELL TANKS!